All volunteers = Helpers. I scense chaos.

First, I'd like to say, if you're not familiar with the online multiplayer game OurWorld, don't even bother reading this, cuz it will make NO sense lol.

For those volunteers who don't know what the new helper thing is, it's a feature for all volunteers that will go live on wednesday (February 24). A white square smiley face will appear to the right side of your screen (right over where you can buy throwing items and smileys). If you click it, you will be able to turn helper alerts on/off. If it's on, someone who has a question or need help, can go to "account" in the upper right corner and click "live help" to send out an alert to all helpers/volunteers. If you answer it, you will be transported to the person needing help, and you'll get a pop-up saying who it is. Helpers can be recognized by the smiley face in front of their names.

I love the helper idea, don't get me wrong. But many volunteers, just volunteered "for fun". Because they were hoping to get prestige, rewards, special priveleges, and many of them ask the same questions, they would get from other players as helpers. Since this is the case, most of the volunteers, wouldn't be able to help anyone. Actually I wrote that on the ourWorld forum, this is what I wrote.

Wylde have said that more people are applying to be volunteers than ever. He also said that he thinks it's great, because we need all the help we can get. I trust Wylde's judgement of course, but this really concerns me. The limit to becoming a volunteer is only lvl 30. And I've gotten as much questions from volunteers about basic ourWorld things, as I've gotten from n00bs. It would save a lot of time (and chaos) if people wood look at the knowledge base, but that ain't happening.

I just see people misusing the button, volunteers (many hundreds) being poofed around to people saying "Haha, I made you come!", I see n00bs asking "I played dance planet today, but didn't get a move. why?" and the lvl 32 volunteer standing there saying "uhm... Idk I wondered that myself". I think people should qualify to become helpers, otherwise they're not really helping anyone. Just taking the alert from someone who could actually help.

I'm just... Sceptical.

That pretty much says it. I'm afraid that OurWorld will be a huge mess for a long while, starting next monday.

And people wonder why I don't trust anyone...

It all started at 5:12 am. My big bro sent me a message on msn. He was worried about our dad, because he hadn't heard from him in.... 24 hours -.- Of course I thought it was ridicolous, but he begged me to go with him over there, to check if he was okay, for like 30 minutes. It's because he's had a tough time lately with the health. Blood things and whatelse. I really, REALLY didn't want to. The circumstances: It was early morning. I hadn't slept for 23 hours, I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep after being awake for 58 hours before that, my head had been punding for 6 hours, I have an extreme case of social phobia, I was freezing, and there's ice and snow all over outside.

But... Because I wanted to be nice to him, I said yes anyway. He came over, and we began walking to our dad's place. It was so slippery outside, that we had to glide all the way there, and since I'm not used to walking (because of my social phobia), I got an extreme back pain on top of it all. After an hour of walking, we arrived, knocked on the door, and our dad opened it. It was dark inside, and he looked really tired. He was fine... He had just been playing in town with his friends that night. I was so exhausted I could've slept in the middle of the street on the way there, so I just sat down with my bag against the wall outside his door. My bro wanted to use the toilet before leaving again, and I was pissed as hell... I knew nothing would be wrong with him, and I was so tired, and my whole body hurts so much... I just wanted to kill my bro right there, but it all got even worse...

Because I was so mad, I just left, wanted to go home alone. I slipped (too slippery to walk) half the way, when my bro gained in on me, and apologized (in a joking tone), for dragging me all the way to our dad's. I just mumbled "it's okay..." and kept slipping. Then he wanted me to go back to his place, so I could get some food and drink, and relax a little. I didn't trust him, and I was suspecious, but I forced it out of my mind, and chose to believe that it was an act of kindness, so I accepted. Another hours journey back to his place. I had to stop sometimes to relax my back.

Then we arrived, and I threw myself on the couch right away. Got some lasagna, and tried to stay awake. I assumed that my bro would follow me back home, since he know about my social phobia, and the fact that I have NO sense of direction to the point it's scary. Some people just don't understand how serious social phobia can be... I haven't... Well... Hadn't (coming to that soon), been outside alone, for 6 years. I get sick just from looking out the window. But my bro is the type that thinks people are fine if they don't have any physical injury. If everyone with a mental illness got blue ears, people would take them seriously... Anyway, back to what happened.

He just sat at his computer and played call of duty, when I asked "Yo, how'm I supposed to get home?". Then he said "Use your legs". I just stared blank at him, almost couldn't believe he was actually serious. I just wanna sum all this up... I'm dead tired, and feel like shit. But despite that, I go out with my brother, so he wouldn't have to walk alone, even though I could've stayed home, sleeping in my comfy bed. And the only reason he wanted me to go back home with him, was because he didn't want to go alone there either. He knew I was counting on him bringing me back home. And his excuse is that he's too tired to walk me home?! I'd been up 10 hours longer than him, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even BE there.

After fighting for 10 minutes, I just go. Before I left, I said "just so you know. I don't know the way to dad's or my own home from here", then I left. I had no cell phone, no sense of direction, and I walked around for 2 hours before I finally found my way home. This may not sound bad for any "regular" person. But only people with social phobia would be able to understand how much a simple thing like this, can ruin my chances of ever getting better. I began writing this, as soon as I got in the door so I wouldn't forget this very valuable lesson I have learned over, and over, and over again.

None of my family members, can be trusted. And whenever I show kindness or consideration, I get stabbed in the back. My brother, like everyone else. Was just using me. And when he got what he wanted, I could die for all he cared. So I will end with this quote (that I made myself).

Respect and trust should be earned, not demanded.

Does this mean I'm spontanious? xD

A'aight a few examples why I believe I qualify :P

Me, my bro, and my bro's friend Marko were staying at our grandpa's house. It's 1 am at night, we had just gone to bed. I'm completely wasted and already seeing flying cows. Then my bro waddles into my room and says "hey, come on we're going fishing!". I'm looking at him saying "who's going what now...". And yet, we went to wake up Marko who for some reason were doing nothing but mumbling something about waffles, and we rode on our bikes to the nearest city (about 2 hour ride) at 1:30 am to fish.

Another time, I was writing with a friend on the net. I had never met him, and then I say "You know what?, I'll come tomorrow!". He's like looking like this "O_o" and then says "Uhm sure O_O". Then I visited him at the opposite side of the country the next day, and I ended staying there for 2 years because he asked me to marry him 5 days after (:

Another time, a friend comes up to me saying "Let's go to Sweden!", and we go to Sweden the same day :D It was so funny when I called my mom the same day I had left home and said "Hey mom, I'm at a store in Sweden!" lmfao. (Sweden is very close).

Aaaaand another time, it's 12 am, and a friend called K asks me if I wanna go to the military training course and do that a few times. I'm like "Sure ^^".

I think I qualify as being spontanius :P For those of you who are not, and plan every second of your day. Relax, it's fun to just do what you feel like in the second ;)

Dreams. Why, how, and when?

I have no idea, but just writing that, would be a short post. I just feel like writing something. Things I think about, that makes me wonder. Sadly, some of these questions have no answer (yet), but it's still interresting to think about.

Dreams... Why do we dream, what decides what we dream, why can some remember dreams, and some can't, why can some feel in dreams and some can't, how do we dream, can we affect what we dream...

Some of these questions have answers, and some don't. Many have theories, including me, but theories don't make history. Facts do.

Why do we dream? No answer to that yet. Some say that it's a way for the mind to process the impressions we've encountered subcontiously during the day. But I'm not satisfied with that, it raises too many questions. HOW exactly does dreaming help the mind processing impressions? Doesn't it just rob the brain from the break it needs when we sleep?

I used to dream a lot. And in all my dreams, I could feel, I could think, I could touch, I felt pain, and sometimes, I was even aware that I was dreaming (which I of course exploided to the fullest). When I got those dreams, I was always tired when I woke up, no matter how long I'd been sleeping. Doesn't that suggest that dreaming keeps the mind busy instead of helping it relax as some people say?

What decides what we dream. In that department, I can go with the theory above. That the impressions we got into our skulls during the day, and life in generel, at least HELPS deciding what we dream. With some dreams, it's pretty straight forward. You're afraid to lose your job, so you dream about your job. But mostly, dreams are more subtle than that. Therefore most people and scientists believe that everything in dreams, has a meaning. Like if you dream about a house, the house represents yourself. Personally, I don't think it's that complicated. I think that the mind just mixes up the impressions randomly. That dream interpretation stuff, almost makes it seem like dreams have a will of it's own.

Why can some remember dreams, and some can't. I have a very good theory for this (at least I think it's good ^^). As I said, I used to dream a lot (and very real). At that time, I was extremely pholosophical. I couldn't turn off my brain, for even a minute. Everything was racing in my head. Caused me to get stress, and I had to take pills to keep it down. I had a lot going in my life at the same time, I lived at a school, where everything happened at the same time, everyday. Lots of rutines. Because of the routines, I had good memory, because everyday was different. I know this sounds contradicting, but it isn't. Maybe you'll understand if I say it the opposite way.

As it is for me NOW, I sleep at random times, I'm msotly awake between 20-58 hours at a time, eat when there's food (not often), and at any given time. Because of that, the days are all the same, because there are no single days for me. I wake up at 6:57 pm monday evening (example), I eat at 10:17 pm, I'm awake through the evening, night, next morning, next afternoon, next evening, next night, and go to bed at wednesday morning. If someone asks me "what did you eat tuesday?", I have no idea. Because I don't know when, in the time I was awake, tuesday was. And I remember eating, but I don't remember what, and when.

Therefore I can't remember my dreams anymore either. I wake up, and I know I dreamt, but I can't remember what I dreamt. Like I could remember I ate, but not WHAT I ate. The more structure you have in your everyday life, the more likely you are too remember your dreams. And the more you think about things (especially your dreams when you remember them), and the more you just take some time to do nothing. No games, no computer, no tv, no reading. Just sit, and be alone with yourself and your thoughts, the more likely you are to remember your dreams. As that continues, you will also increase the chances of being aware that you're dreaming.

I miss that now, even though I'm dreaming more, and I remember my dreams better than I did a few months back, it's not as strong. When I DID dream that way, I wanted it to stop. See... If any of you were to consider doing this, to improve your awareness during dreams, I have to warn you. My case was extreme. I was afraid to sleep, because even the most innoscent dreams, can be terrifying, if everything in it, is as if you were awake. And nightmares would have me shaking for weeks.

I can give an example. In a period of tmie, I was terrified of demons (yes I was, I admit it), so I dreamt about them every night in that time. I remember one dream 100% clearly. I was in my room with my dad, and I wanted to show him how I felt, when I got scared. We sat down on our knee's in my room, with our backs to the door. Then I got chills, REAL chills, and I said to my dad "Can you feel the hairs standing up on the back of your neck?", "Yes..." he said quietly. Then I said "that's when they're here". Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. A cold, heavy hand, and a chill swept through my body. I said "that's not your hand on my shoulder is it...", then my dad said "... No". I knew it. I looked at the hand, and it was grey, it looked dead and swallen. I took it, and I bit through it, almost biting off the index and ring fingers off it. I could taste the dead meat, and feel it behind me teeth, EXACTLY as if I was awake. The demon made a sound that can't be explained or recreated, and I woke up almost screaming.

If you think of this as a dream, it might not be that bad. But try thinking of it as real. That's how I experienced it.

How do we dream? With that, I mean what exactly happens in your brain when you're dreaming. No one knows that for sure either, they can just see how the brainwaves react on an EEG (electroencephalogram), but how the brain itself does it, is unknown. Like most other thigns that has to do with the brain...

Can we affect what we dream? Yes we can. Depending on which person you are (active/inactive dreamer), it can take time, or you can do it in one evening. There are different things you can do.

Unfortunately, I just don't remember them (: I remember this one. Give yourself pre suggestions before you go to sleep. It's kind of a self hypnosis (no hypnosis is not a paranormal magic thing). What you basically do, is telling your subconscience what to believe or process. An example. You want to dream about you and your fiancé getting married. Then you imagine that and say to yourself "me and my fiancé WILL get married, because that would make me happy". The subconscience doesn't understand negatives. So if you said "I hope me and my fiancé won't break up, because if we do, I'll be sad". The words "not" and "don't", simply doesn't exist. It's just lack of positive. If you keep thinking this, your subconscienceness will believe it, and the chances of you having a positive dream about this event, will increase.

So now, a lot of questions still remain. One of the smaller ones, but still significant to me since I started off being awake in my dreams, then ended up not dreaming at all, is this... What's really best? Not remember your nightmares, but not remembering the good dreams either, or feeling every part of a good dream as if it was real, but also feeling pain and deep fear in your nightmares?

Some Accomplishment?

I think I might have accomplished something. MAYBE. As I've stated before, I care much about finding something, anything, that I feel I'm actually good at. And not just good enough, or as good as everyone else. But something that makes me feel like, if I wasn't there, if something prevented me from doing that again, I would be missed. And that no one would be able to do the things that I do, as I do them.

I'd like to think that I'm very special (A lot of people sure told me xD), therefore, I don't want to blend in, and just be another person in the crowd. Previous accomplishments that made me feel like this, stupid and small as they may be, have been the following (short list):

I worked in a woodshop once, on a school, kinda... We made many things. Toys, porches, stuff for the school. And sometimes we got some different tasks. Once, we got a shitload (sorry) or pictures that had to be framed. And I mean like thousands. It had to be done in a certain way, since we did it for a company for a profit. Stupid as it sounds, I was the best at that. I could do it fast, I could do it good, and I think I cut myself about 80 times in those 2 weeks O_o We had a deadline, so the boss got 2 people from another school, to help with the framing, and he wanted me to teach them what to do. I know, I know, it sounds silly, and like nothing. But it doesn't matter what it is, it's the feeling that you're better than the average person at something.

I know this may sound self centered lmao, but it's not meant like that. It's because I want to help, I want to be of use. And the better I am, the more useful I am.

Another thing, was english and danish in school. I always got high grades in those 2 subjects, and my friends would ask me if I would look through their papers sometimes, to check for typo's and such. We also had a uhm... I don't know what you call it in America, but all the students from the same grade (like 6A, 6B and 6C), would assemble somewhere, get a piece of paper with a story, lines here and there, and the teacher would read that story, and you had to fill in the lines. Basically, it was about spelling. We were 150-200 students, and when we all got back the results, I got everything 100% right, plus the teachers told me, that my handwriting was the best of all the students.

I'm seeking that feeling constantly. Something that can be useful. I actually think I might be okay at being a volunteer/moderator on the ourWorld forum. Not better than the other 4 mods, or any of the volunteers, but just unique. There's a difference. Yes, I annoy people sometimes, and I can come across as a knowitall, but I've just never been good at first impressions, or trying to make people think of me in a certain way. I'm just honest, do what I do, am as I am, and if people like me for it, that's my future friends. If they don't... Uhm... Then nothing, so what xD.

And the last thing I feel I'm better at than average, is understanding people. I'm extremely empathic, which really can... Well suck. People have always come to me with problems. Often even strangers (in real life), telling me someting, they later say, they haven't told anyone else, and they don't really know why they tell me. They say that I just seem trustworthy. I've gotten that a lot. Often, when people tell me something about how they feel about something that I've never tried myself, or been in a situation I have never been in, I end up finishing their sentences.

Because even though I haven't been there myself, I can put myself in their place, and I always seem to get it right. How they feel, before they say it. What happened, before they say it. This is the most importent accomplishment for me, because I know that can help people to feel better. Knowing that someone understands them, and not just say they do

I'm not the only one seeking this feeling. It's what humans need to get confidence in themselves, that they're not just anyone. They're special. Their abilities would be missed, and replacement would be hard. Some just go at it harder than others, and are more aware of it.

Beauty

What is beauty? Beauty is relative. Some may think orchids are beautiful, while others, such as myself, can't see the beauty in them in any other way than philosophical.

And does beauty even have to be visual? I find great beauty in music just to take an example. It's just another kind of beauty.

One kind that changes, is fashion. In one period of time, people thought tanned skin was beautiful. 10 years later, it's big lips, then eyes, then jewelry. What you think is beautiful is mostly evironmental what most things are concerned.
We were raised with the idea that make-up, how much skin is being shown and perfect body weight is beautiful. While in other cultures, sharpened teeth are beautiful. So we can establish that that's an environment thing.
People usually say that certain features in a man is beautiful. Strong jaw, blond hair, blue eyes. And with woman, lucious lips, big eyes and long hair. But despite of what PEOPLE say, there's a lot of people who find beauty in the opposite.
What could be the most beautiful thing for you in certain subjects? we can take a few examples.

The most beautiful scenary? In my case, it'd be a big lucious meadow with green fields, waterfall, animals walking around with no fear for people and trees growing in peace.
The most beautiful man? In my case I'd say brown or black hair, brown friendly eyes and dark skin.

The most beautiful piece of music? I'd say music with emotion, meaning, and where you can hear that the singer sings because he/she likes it, not to be famous.

Others might say that the most beautiful man had blond hair, green eyes and white skin or that the most beautiful music was jazz. Well there you have it.
Beauty is relative.

OurWorld.com

I've decided to start writing down my thoughts on certain subjects again. It has usually been expectations towards people, the term "normal", my past, my lack of hope for the future and so forth. But this time, what's mostly on my mind, is ourWorld

I've always taken responsibility very seriously, and if anyone trusted me with something, I would never let them down. And I'm always determined to excel in whatever I'm doing. Right now, I'm a volunteer for ourWorld. Even before I became a volunteer, I was a regular player. I played a lot, I bought a lot of gems (ourWorld currency) and was in generel very active. For some reason, this game captured me. Therefore I started asking questions, if there was something I didn't understand (I always wanted to know how everything worked so I could understand it better). Unfortunately, I think I became TOO involved in this game. I wrote to ourWorld a lot, and even though I was just trying to help, I think I was a wee bit annoying (and still am). Truth is, I put a lot into this game. I do my best to help new players, make sure the ourWorld forum is in order, and that everyone in the game follows the Code of Conduct (the rules of ourWorld). I was recently chosen to be a moderator, and I was extatic. That way I could do more to help, by keeping the forum tidy. Some people love me for it, and some people hate me for it, but it's impossible to please everyone. I just do what I think is right.

ourWorld update frequently. Usually the updates add more features, but in the last update, they made a change that made the ourWorld players explode in fury. In ourWorld, you can gift other people, using gems (which cost money), but there are also 10 gem codes released once a week, and people would make several, and sometimes 100's of "fake accounts", put in those gem codes, and buy gifts for their real account. That way, they would get a lot of stuff for free, that would've costed a lot of money.

Of course, this robbed ourWorld of THEIR money, so they put a stop to it. People can't see the point, cuz they only think about themselves. Now they can't cheat, where does ourWorld come off, preventing people from stealing their money. I myself, had some n00b accounts I used for gifting, but difference is that I'm objective. Yes, it was bad for ME that they removed it, but it's not all about me is it. More people should think that way. If you walked on the same street everyday, and saw the same guy. Everyday you gave that man 10 dollars, for free, to be kind. Cuz he couldn't afford anything. And everytime you gave him those 10 dollars, he would pick your pocket for 2 more dollars.

Would that be fair? Is that really different than what all the ourWorld players, including me, have been doing? I think not.

As I wrote, the fact that I've been so involved in ourWorld, wanting to help, wanting to make a difference, has caused me to be a bother for the ourWorld staff. They haven't told me this directly, but I wish they would. I always prefer truth before curtesy. Sometimes I just feel lost. Maybe because I take my position as a volunteer very seriously (because, as I stated, that I won't let anyone down), and therefore I need to communicate with whoever is in charge, to tell me what exactly to do, so I can optimize my performance, and for me to know if I'm on the right track or not. Otherwise, I'm kinda just shooting all over, hoping to hit something eventually.

I guess you can say that I see Wylde as my mentor. Well... More of an inspiration, because he can answer the same questions again and again, and he still answer the questions detailed, and in a polite tone. I don't have any specific wish in my life, just that I want to feel that there's just ONE thing, that I'm good at. That I'm confident of, that I KNOW I'm better at than average. And what that happens to be, doesn't really matter. On the net, I can seem pretty serious, but that's just if it's serious matters. In real, I have to try my hardest to be serious, because I joke around with everything. Which is best? I don't know.