And people wonder why I don't trust anyone...

It all started at 5:12 am. My big bro sent me a message on msn. He was worried about our dad, because he hadn't heard from him in.... 24 hours -.- Of course I thought it was ridicolous, but he begged me to go with him over there, to check if he was okay, for like 30 minutes. It's because he's had a tough time lately with the health. Blood things and whatelse. I really, REALLY didn't want to. The circumstances: It was early morning. I hadn't slept for 23 hours, I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep after being awake for 58 hours before that, my head had been punding for 6 hours, I have an extreme case of social phobia, I was freezing, and there's ice and snow all over outside.

But... Because I wanted to be nice to him, I said yes anyway. He came over, and we began walking to our dad's place. It was so slippery outside, that we had to glide all the way there, and since I'm not used to walking (because of my social phobia), I got an extreme back pain on top of it all. After an hour of walking, we arrived, knocked on the door, and our dad opened it. It was dark inside, and he looked really tired. He was fine... He had just been playing in town with his friends that night. I was so exhausted I could've slept in the middle of the street on the way there, so I just sat down with my bag against the wall outside his door. My bro wanted to use the toilet before leaving again, and I was pissed as hell... I knew nothing would be wrong with him, and I was so tired, and my whole body hurts so much... I just wanted to kill my bro right there, but it all got even worse...

Because I was so mad, I just left, wanted to go home alone. I slipped (too slippery to walk) half the way, when my bro gained in on me, and apologized (in a joking tone), for dragging me all the way to our dad's. I just mumbled "it's okay..." and kept slipping. Then he wanted me to go back to his place, so I could get some food and drink, and relax a little. I didn't trust him, and I was suspecious, but I forced it out of my mind, and chose to believe that it was an act of kindness, so I accepted. Another hours journey back to his place. I had to stop sometimes to relax my back.

Then we arrived, and I threw myself on the couch right away. Got some lasagna, and tried to stay awake. I assumed that my bro would follow me back home, since he know about my social phobia, and the fact that I have NO sense of direction to the point it's scary. Some people just don't understand how serious social phobia can be... I haven't... Well... Hadn't (coming to that soon), been outside alone, for 6 years. I get sick just from looking out the window. But my bro is the type that thinks people are fine if they don't have any physical injury. If everyone with a mental illness got blue ears, people would take them seriously... Anyway, back to what happened.

He just sat at his computer and played call of duty, when I asked "Yo, how'm I supposed to get home?". Then he said "Use your legs". I just stared blank at him, almost couldn't believe he was actually serious. I just wanna sum all this up... I'm dead tired, and feel like shit. But despite that, I go out with my brother, so he wouldn't have to walk alone, even though I could've stayed home, sleeping in my comfy bed. And the only reason he wanted me to go back home with him, was because he didn't want to go alone there either. He knew I was counting on him bringing me back home. And his excuse is that he's too tired to walk me home?! I'd been up 10 hours longer than him, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even BE there.

After fighting for 10 minutes, I just go. Before I left, I said "just so you know. I don't know the way to dad's or my own home from here", then I left. I had no cell phone, no sense of direction, and I walked around for 2 hours before I finally found my way home. This may not sound bad for any "regular" person. But only people with social phobia would be able to understand how much a simple thing like this, can ruin my chances of ever getting better. I began writing this, as soon as I got in the door so I wouldn't forget this very valuable lesson I have learned over, and over, and over again.

None of my family members, can be trusted. And whenever I show kindness or consideration, I get stabbed in the back. My brother, like everyone else. Was just using me. And when he got what he wanted, I could die for all he cared. So I will end with this quote (that I made myself).

Respect and trust should be earned, not demanded.